My cousin got married last weekend, and I uploaded some pictures to Facebook. Baboushka had lent me her rockstar fascinator and vintage dress (was it rescued from a high school drama department?), and it was the first time I’d seen the Boy in a suit. I was pretty pleased with our dapperness, and tickled as the likes kept pouring in. But then there was a comment from an old high school acquaintance. She said we looked lovely (aww shucks!) and promised to buy us a gift when we got married (whoaaa there, way to assume).
The picture that started it all.
The Boy is pretty amazing, I’m the first one to admit it, and we’ve been together for more than two years, but we’re only 21. The prefrontal cortex (decision making part of the brain) doesn’t finish developing for approximately another four years, and even at 25, I don’t think I’ll be ready to pledge my entire life to one another person.
I made some semi-snarky comment back at High School Acquaintance, but Facebook comments are way easier to ignore than in-person ones. So, to be prepared, I did some Googling and came up with clever answers. Here are a few of my favourites.*
“When are you getting married?”
- After the zombie apocalypse. If he survives, I’ll deem him worthy of fathering my children.
- I’m holding out for a Harry Winston. Would you like to contribute to our Kickstarter fund? The minimum contribution is $500!
- Last night! We just didn’t want to invite you.
- When the tax benefits are worth it.
“When are you having a baby?”
- When they’re worth more on the black market!
- When all those zygotes stop dying inside me.
- As soon as I can direct some of his sperm towards my ovaries. The trouble is, it tastes too damn good!
- If you want to know about my sex life, you can just ask! What are your favourite positions?
Players of Prince Arthur 